What the heez.

The stock market is about to crash, and everything is headed towards the shitters.... like my car.

so the trunk of my Scion TC has been giving me a headache lately. it always seems stuck and requires a little more effort to open than i'd like. then today, after i had bought groceries and was trying to open my trunk to put my grocery bags in, the trunk handle just broke the fuck off! WHAT IS THAT!!! stupid scion. i drove home from the market trying so hard to avoid any bumps in the road as i had just snapped it back on in hopes that it would stay on temporarily while i drove back home. it did. but now i don't know what to do. doing some research on google showed me a lot of scion forums where several tc owners have had this problem, just bought the part, and re-installed it. so i went outside to really inspect the damage to my handle and it looks a lot easier than just a ten-minute easy install. it is for reals BROKEN.




i know going to a dealership to get it fixed is just going to cost twice as much as buying the part online and doing it myself. then again, i'm not like, you're avid car owner that thoroughly enjoys dismantling stock parts and upgrading them with aftermarket mods and carbon-fiber intake suspension alloy this and that. i obviously don't know much about cars, and i don't know care. i just want a trunk that works. but to save money that i cannot afford to spend anyways, maybe i should just try to do it myself. or just buy the part and bring it to the dealership. hmm, what to do what to do. oh the woes of being middle class. stupid scion, i love you car but ooooh i really don't have to like you you right now!

Maybe

its because we aren't meant to be over yet. and thats why he can still make me smile. perhaps the day that he can no longer make me smile and laugh is the day that i'll be ready to move on. but not yet. not when he's still the one that i love with all my heart.

i pray for honesty and devotion.

I don't want to be bitter but i am.

this is how you know that love is not like the kind you read about in fairytales, or watch in movies, or even read in fiction novels, like the ones where no matter how unrealistic characters might be (i.e. stephanie meyers' books about the love between a girl and and a vampire), there seems to always be an underlying theme of love that makes the story more humanistic than not. but you know that this idealism of true love is the kind that you were brought up to understand and expect from another, not how it actually is in real life. i know this to be true when say, the man you've loved for two years who supposedly wants to spend the rest of his life with you can't stop lying to you, fucks up dearly, and the only thing he can say is 'i'm sorry' over a text message, instead of trying to win you back in person, on his knees, with flowers, with conviction and commitment in his heart and mind. and even when you succumb to weakness and beg him to do his best to win you back because you do truly love him, the only thing he has to say is, "well i have errands to run, but can i come over later?"

i just don't know if i can spend my entire life with that. i don't think i want to settle for that. not only two years into a relationship. not when i have moved my entire life up north just to be with him. not when i can't help but believe that "true love" in that fairytale sense still exists out there. it does for some, so why can't it for me?

please knight in shining armor, come save me.

The gay welder.

Thank you pat cruz for this link:

after MAGIC las vegas, The Arab Parrot (best way to describe him is along the lines of Vice Mags Do's and Don'ts), did a breakdown of fashion at the convention that week. now i think its only fitting that i shine some light on this particular post, considering how much of a fan i am of theotherduck clothing and its creator (um... false!), it kills me to think that there is an assumption that "dancers" don't know how to dress, and its people like her that tip the scale in favor of general truth. ooh, it really just stabs me in the heart. i'm a dancer, but i also have a pair of eyes, and visual vomit is usually not the look i'm going for, how about you? i mean, forget the 30% of us that are really tryin' to hold that shit down with actual style and presentation in everything we do, but what about the other 70% that still thinks all-over print is still even fucking socially allowed. i could maybe still back all-over print if it was tasteful, not guns and brass knuckles and neon this, or logo that. but back to my point about the arab parrot. well, check out the link and see for yourself, and note who debuted as taking the MOST RETARDED AWARD THIS YEAR.

ok, ok, so it was a tie between her and the gay welder. but personally, i would much rather put on that gay welder's jumper, thrown a fat belt on it, and worked that shit out with some hot hot heels then wear whatever you wanna call that other outfit. yikes.

all i really want to say is thank you arab parrot. i'm not the only one that thinks that shit is long past lame. so does everyone else at MAGIC, everyone meaning all the designers, sales reps, shit, all the people that create and steer the trends that you badly dressed dancers will catch on to two seasons too late. oh well.

do yourself a favor, dancers and aspiring dancers. don't go on youtube and only wear a certain type of kicks just because your favorite dancer does it. it won't make you dance better, promise. it will just make your favorite dancer want to rock another brand of kicks so that its not the same as you. don't rock a tacky ass neon t-shirt with a lame duck logo thinking that it is going to signify you as anything but a tool wearing a tacky ass neon t-shirt with a lame duck logo. got it? ok, moving forward.

San francisco, will you be mine?

i've moved. to the bay. i did it for an upgrade in work and salary and shoot, my career initially. i would be omitting a great detail if i never said that i also did it for george, but more importantly, above all else, i did it because living in los angeles for eight years grew less about enjoying life and the fruits of the city and more about planning my escape from that vast expanse that felt about as real to me as a movie set. i was truly at the point where i began to feel if i pushed hard enough against any building wall, that it might knock over and reveal to me the real and beautiful los angeles, and that maybe someone somewhere might yell "cut" and i would realize that i was just acting out someone's badly written screenplay. but as hard as i pushed to see my idea of los angeles come to realization, it never came. and the more i sat in frustration as to why i never could, i looked to the horizon and saw that san francisco was calling me in all ways that los angeles could never begin to know how. so i moved.

i took the big leap of faith and packed up everything, and before most my friends could even say bon voyage, i was gone. and now that i'm here, i have to say despite all initial "life change" woes and second-guessing, i realized i made the right decision. it was a heart break to leave my family, and to leave all my friends from college, and my sheroes. i didn't drown in la because i had the right individuals in my life to keep me afloat. but now that i'm here in sf, i am more pleased living here than i have been in la for some time. change, apparently, can be good for you. who knew?

so now that i'm here in the bay...

tonight while driving home from sacramento for a dance showcase where a few of us performed with UFO Movement, aggie, pat, carlyne, and i had this long conversation about a string of things that eventually lead to the good old days of blogging, and i said something about, how i missed blogging on my xanga and that it had been so long since any of us did it, and then aggie said, "we still do", and i turned to her in amazement, wondering how long it had been since i was faithfully checking in on my xanga journal every night to read something that her, christank, mikefal, jay, or any of my friends would blog about. in a way, i slowly disconnected with those people in my life as soon as i disconnected with my blog. i realize in hindsight now that distance made all of our friendships unique and that the blog platform allowed us to connect in a way that would normally not be possible otherwise. when i fell of, so did my connection with them. damn. i hated that about me. i hated that i wasn't as close to those important individuals as i was before. of course, life takes you in different courses as well, but still. pat commented on how it just feels good to read blogs and read other peoples' writings, and i agree. some of the best lessons in life i can admit i learned through someone else's eyes, just by reading their thoughts.

anyways, i thought i'd just make an attempt to write again. my friend rich moved to new york recently, and has devotedly kept up a blog about his experiences and discoveries in new york, and it is one of my favorite online reads. besides the fact that he is doing some serious visual damage with amazing shots of the city, coupled with his clever anecdotes, posts, and the good song selection he has going on there, new york is just a fascinating place to me as well, and right now i am living it up in the big apple vicariously through him. haha. so i guess i can say it was him who really got me thinking about blogging about my experiences in san francisco. but dang, my digicam just broke. so i guess for now, i hope you can tolerate just hear my thoughts for a while, actually i just hope that i can just tolerate hearing my thoughts for a while.


is anyone still out there? can anyone hear me?